Friday, May 30, 2014

This IS My Game Face

I am totally serious.
As I head into the OC Triathlon this year my hip has been acting up again. Just like it did last year before the half ironman. I kept blowing off Michelle, Teresa and Christine who told me this hip "problem" is emotional. No, its over trained, I insisted! Just like last year, the closer the race has come the more it hurts. The other day I literally limped out of the gym. Not good at all.

As I sat in my car letting the heated seats warm up I had to ponder maybe they were right. I laid my head back, fighting tears and feeling stupid. I hate crying! Then it hit me. You can call it a vision or a voice or whatever you want but suddenly I knew. I knew that it is time for me to accept that I am great. I am strong. I can do anything I want and set my mind to. That is a huge feeling if you have ever felt it and really let it sink in.

It occurred to me that racing has been a physical version of my inner battle. I would sign up for a race, train, work through my inner doubts and demons and then conquer it! I really thought this race would be easy. I have done it before, I know the course and I have trained as hard as I can. But this damn nagging hip reminded me why every race is hard in its own way. This race is my emotional battle against myself. How the $#%@ do you train for that??!!

As I cleaned my bike this afternoon I thought this is how samurais must have felt going into battle. Dramatic, I know. I can prepare every physical detail from my bike to my shoes to my body. Yet Saturday night will come and I will only be left with my thoughts. Yup... this race is going to be an all out mental battle!

I didn't have time to get in all the hill runs and canyon rides I wanted to but I must believe and know for certain that I AM strong enough and I CAN do this. I have ran through my race in my mind. Each step from swim, to bike, to run. At each point I WILL gain confidence, speed and power. I will finish knowing I didn't just cross a finish line but I broke down a barrier in my heart, memories and soul.

I feel grateful for all the amazing people in my life who have surrounded me with love and light and have made me feel safe enough to finally drop my guard down. I am ready to let life in (and smell) and see what the new chapter brings. Lets do this!